


People We Pass By in Life (Remember Us Still)

by LadyLetterbomb



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Phan through the years, Second Person, Through the Years, outsider's POV, the closet, yes this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:02:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28038861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyLetterbomb/pseuds/LadyLetterbomb
Summary: I wrote this on Tumblr(x)and it got long so I expanded it a full fic."okay but image knowing Phil in university when he was kinda out. Because for like, ten years no one– not even their youtube friends – knew for sure about anything – they were all Aware of the Question, but they could never talk about it. So only Dan and Phil knew the truth. And those kids who knew Phil in uni that Knew without knowing. (And probably Phil’s family.) Wild."
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	People We Pass By in Life (Remember Us Still)

You and Phil meet each other in your first year of uni. First day, in fact -- you both are English majors -- but you don't really talk for a week or so. You get along well enough, but you're never really close friends. You're hanging out with shared friends at the pub when Jamie says, "You should ask Lillian out. She's kinda into you, I think."

And Phil whispers, "I'm gay."

And Jamie says, "Oh, okay, that's cool," and other supportive sounds come from around the table. The conversation quickly moves on. No one really talks about it that much, but every now and then it'll come up. An open secret, sorta. You two stay in each other's orbit throughout uni. He's funny, in an unexpected way -- your first through is always _that's strange_ and then _but funny._

He tells you he wants to keep it quiet at the end of 2009. He doesn’t say anything, but there’s a new guy so it’s kinda obvious, and you get it, best you can, so you agree. You figure the new guy will eventually get to a better place and Phil’ll come out again, but it’s not really your business and you don’t really care.

So a few years go by and you drift apart. Every now and then you catch up with him. It never comes up, and you half-forget about it and half-assume he just doesn’t feel the need to tell someone who’s no longer important to him.

And every now and then you’ll come across him and Dan – his “new” guy, not so new anymore – on the internet and they’re pretty popular. One time they come up in real life and you casually drop that you knew Phil in uni. Everybody's a little curious, so you tell him he's funny and weird like that in real life, shyer though, but you keep quiet about everything else.

You don’t really follow them – just not your style, but it is cool to check out how many people now know of good old Phil the weirdo. There’s a lot of people talking about how cute he and Dan are together, so that’s good for them. But they’re not actually officially together – it’s just a lot of teenagers “shipping” them? Also it looks like the teenagers aren’t the most respectful, which is too bad, so hopefully Phil and his "friend" are doing okay.

After a night of looking down that rabbit hole, you go about life for a while without being reminded of that time. You're trying to make the most of the time left when you're still fresh in the job market. (Not everybody has internet fame thrust into their lap.) Until one day when on the way home from work, you decide to see what’s on the radio for once, and it’s Phil?? With his “friend” Dan?? They’re a proper duo act now, it looks like. Of all the people you thought you’d be able to say you knew before they were famous, Phil Lester certainly was not at the top of the list.

In a poorly-worded search trying to find out how long the radio show has been a thing, you find out those kids are still shipping “phan”. The two still aren’t out. You shrug it off. You're not queer, you don't know what it's like. They do what's right for them. You kinda hope the Dan guy is getting the help he needs though, or else that they just choose not to talk about it because of their careers.

You tune in to their radio show every now and then. It’s weird to hear Phil’s voice in that professional context. He’s the same but different. It makes the most sense when you hear Dan talk; his influence is apparent, but it's clear Phil's as true to himself as ever.

Another few years go by before they?? go?? on tour?? and write a book? Wild. You don’t bother to read the article on that one – don’t want to feel like you’re stalking this guy you knew years ago, even if it is an article about him because he’s famous. Him and that kid Dan.

It’s a few more years before you even think of him again. You've been busy in your personal life, falling for someone yourself and forming a solid group of adult friends. You're catching up with an old uni friend when they remark on how funny it is that Phil's become proper famous now, along with that bloke Dan. "Did you tell anyone?" they ask. They don't say what.

"No," you say. "You?"

"Never spoke a word," they say. "Hope he's doing okay. The both of them. You know, behind the mask of fame and all." You agree. "Did you ever meet Dan? He's a sweet kid. Tall. Seemed quiet, but once he had something to say, he _talked_."

"I did, in fact. Only briefly, Phil was walking him back to his dorm and I was with Jamie and Caroline and them, and we all went along. That was nearly right after Phil went around telling us to keep it on the down-low, so I remember seeing Dan taking a step away as we got close. Cute kid, said something smart – can't remember what, but something smart."

That night, you search “dan and phil” up and they’re on tour again?? It’s only been a few years, but it seems really different from the last, from what you saw of it. And Phil finally got rid of the fringe, the emo. You won't lie, you had one too, but you killed it after you got over the MCR breakup.

With caution, you venture into the traditional fan spaces, but to your relief, the teenagers seem to have grown up, at least a little. They’re still shipping them, without confirmation. You have to admire their tenacity – if it was you, you would have given up on it being real after that many years. Then again, some of them make a point about it not mattering if it’s “real” or not – it’s about the idea of it. To be honest, you’re starting to wonder if he really did go back into the closet just because a gay man and hanging out with his friend all the time would raise too many rumors, even more than there are now – I mean, the kids have got you convinced they look at each other with all the love in the world in their eyes, but you still wonder. It's been years. You think back with respect to everyone who you knew Knew. Good on them for keeping quiet. The kids have grown up, sure, but they'd still go crazy if they knew Phil was definitely gay.

A year later. You're married now, and settled into a good job you enjoy. You’re scrolling through your Youtube recommended when “Because you watched AmazingPhil….” comes up with a video from “Daniel Howell” titled “Basically I’m Gay”. You think there maybe should be a comma in there, but you respect his artistic decision to ignore it. You did watch a couple of their videos a month ago, so it’s not _entirely_ a stretch on the algorithm’s part.

It’s kinda long. You look at your watch. Still wear one, even though you could just look at the computer. You’ve got time. After this long, if it really was the Dan kid’s problems, you kinda feel like you ought to hear his story.

You cry. You’re a bit of an easy crier, and, well, god.

The comments of the video are better than you expected: those teenagers watching them really grew up too, along with them – Dan looked like a child when you met him, but he looks like an adult now. A good kid, a real good kid. God, you gotta stop calling everyone "kids" – makes you sound old.

You show the video to your husband. "His partner's the famous Youtuber I knew in uni. He was kinda quietly queer back then." He laughs, and you make a donation together to some LGBTQ+ organizations.

It’s another week before Phil posts a coming out video, and you watch it as soon as you see it. It’s been – what, ten years? – since you last spoke to this tall freako. A decade, Christ. He’s grown up, but really hasn’t. It makes you reach out to some other friends you haven’t talked to in years.

You’re having brunch with a different group of friends a few weeks later. One of them mentions how she finally came out to her family this pride month. Another brings up those two coming out videos that were all the rage. The first, on the younger side, laughs and says, “And then there was Phil. A little lightheartedness to cap it off.” You causally mention that you knew him in uni. He was out then, you say. She looks at you shock. “What!” He said he didn’t want it going around, you say, so you haven’t told a soul since, until your husband a week ago. She laughs and shakes her head. “Ten years. Ten years and a third of the internet wondering for most of them, and you had half the answer the entire time. What a secret. I know who I trust the most here now.” She laughs again.

You grin and conversation moves on. They’re sorta leaving the limelight anyways, it seems like, so it’ll probably be a long time before you remember Phil Lester and his tall, awkward (boy)"friend” Dan again. 

**Author's Note:**

> title is mine. kinda eh kidna good idk I wanna get this out fast to practice piano lol. 
> 
> I made myself smile with this hahah.


End file.
